Question

Hi Rachel,
I am a 25-year-old girl, academic, successful and very handsome. About two years ago he ended a relationship, which for me embodied the only and first love I had. The way the relationship started is what actually laid the shaky foundation, which only deteriorated over time over the course of a whole year. He ended the relationship and I was left broken and desperate, crying non-stop for months, cursing myself for my stupidity and over-emotionality. In any case - the recovery was very difficult, when I can say that only about a year ago I "got over it".

The thing is that the guy scattered declarations of love, infinite sensitivity and talks about the joint future in such a real way that there was no way I would suspect that it was all a lie. I just fell in love with him and when everything shattered - I realized that he had undermined the trust I really had (not in him specifically, but in what seemed real).

Since then I just don't believe in anything or anyone. I haven't dated any man since then seriously. I went on a few dates and tried to give it a chance, but I feel like my heart is frozen.

I know that my problem is a heavy sediment of conclusions from the previous relationship and that not everyone is the same, but I don't know how to break this stupid cycle… And the funniest thing is that I still think about him from time to time (especially when I realize how alone I am). what should I do ???

Answer

Hello,
It seems that you are very aware of what is happening and know how to put your finger precisely on the pattern that is blocking you. I agree with you that your problem is the same "heavy sediment of conclusions", which remained with you from the relationship that ended. It is almost impossible to make a new connection with such a heavy burden present in your life with such intensity.

The good news

What stops you from moving forward, in my opinion, is the belief that you have no control over that pattern. And here comes the good news: it is absolutely possible to leave this relationship in the past and create a clean future, independent of your first relationship. How do you do that?

First, be careful not to fall into the position of a victim. Since such a position has benefits - even if not always conscious - it is very tempting to stay in it, despite the great suffering. One of the "profits" The biggest in the victim position is that there is someone to blame. In other words - you have an excellent excuse why you should avoid taking matters into your own hands and drifting into the world of dating. This natural tendency is completely understandable, because it allows you to stay in your "shell" and not be hurt again.

The problem is that from the protected and safe position of the victim, there is almost no chance of forming a new marital relationship. I suggest you act deliberately, in order to establish a new position of a woman who takes her future in her hands. I will immediately describe several steps that can help you do this.

The power of forgiveness

The first step would be to forgive, both him and yourself. Forgiveness is a powerful action that has the power to leave the past in the past. Forgiving does not mean justifying the actions (and I'm not trying to say that your friend's behavior was relevant). To forgive means to stop using whatever happened as justification for not "jumping into the water".

Why is this important? Because pointing the finger of blame is exactly the opposite of taking responsibility for the situation and working to change it (and not just the opposite but an action that sabotages it). To forgive means that there is no "guilty", there is no one else to blame for the fact that you are without a partner today.

You may say: "Why should I forgive him?" He doesn't deserve it!" So that's it, you're not doing it for him, but only for yourself. You forgive him, in order to get rid of the heavy burden you are carrying. A very large part of the sediment you feel right now will completely dissolve, after you forgive your ex-boyfriend.

How do you do that? First I want to emphasize that the process should not necessarily be carried out in front of your ex, but only between you and yourself. The act of forgiveness is not something that happens in an instant. Start by looking at everything that happened from the outside. Maybe you'll be able to see that he didn't do it to you. He just did it. This is his current operating pattern in the relationship. It is also possible that the lies were not lies, but that in those moments these statements were real for him.

It is important to notice that you are also pointing the finger of blame at yourself, perhaps without even noticing. Check whether you also have a need to forgive yourself, maybe for not reading the writing on the wall at the beginning of the relationship, maybe for believing his promises.

question your 'truth'

Another step you can take is to actively question the 'truths' you created following the painful breakup. Truths such as 'men cannot be trusted', or 'men are dangerous' are now the absolute truth for you, but objectively they are just one, very specific and ineffective way of looking at relationships. These truths have great power because they are the ones that create your reality: they affect the way you behave, think and feel.

Just as you created these truths, you are also the one who can refute and text them. The nature of such truths is that as the days pass, they take root and become stronger. why? Because for every new experience, for every date you go on today, you take with you the "glasses" of 'men are liars'. You look through "glasses" These are about the partner in front of you and you are looking for proof of this. And when you search - you find!

A very effective exercise in such a case is to artificially create a new opposite 'truth' (say, 'men can be trusted'), then start looking at reality through "glasses" new and look for evidence for them. This is one way and there are others. In any case, embarking on a journey to disprove your old truths is a welcome step, which has the power to change your reality.

Successfully!