Question

Hi Rachel,
I am divorced and a mother of a child. About six months ago I met a single guy my age through online dating. We meet regularly every other weekend, when my son is with his father. We live far from each other so our meetings are only on weekends. After a while I developed feelings for the guy - also dependence, but surely also love. For his part, I feel that the meetings are nice to him, but nothing more. We often had conversations "where to from here?" And the truth is that he was quite clearly nowhere (in a subtle way).

I, for my part, made it clear to him that I was interested in a more serious relationship and a more binding relationship. We continue to meet, when he always makes sure to keep the relationship on a low heat with various statements such as "I want a relationship, but I'm afraid", "I want a serious relationship, but first I have to establish myself" and so'. I can't detach myself from him, from the thoughts about him, and each time things are more serious. As time goes by I want him more and constantly fear that he will end the little we have between us. what should I do?

Answer

Hello,
You ask what you should do. I have a feeling that you know what you want or what you need to do, and the important question is how to do it. How to manage to take matters into your own hands, end this relationship that leads nowhere and create a new relationship that meets your ambitions of a relationship.

First, check with yourself what your true commitment is to yourself. Are you really obligated to create a binding relationship for yourself? My way of checking what a person is committed to is to look at the result test. If, for example, someone tells me that he is obligated to exercise, but the reality will show me that he has avoided signing up for a gym for several months, I tell him that something in his obligation is missing, or that there is a stronger force that sabotages this obligation.

Go with your head or your heart?

Let's examine what prevents you from realizing your commitment. From your description, your emotions play a significant role in the matter. In almost every situation in our lives, two parallel forces are at work: commitment and emotions. Both are important and both are good. There is nothing wrong with feelings, on the contrary. But the important question is which of the two runs our lives? And who is running your life right now? Is it your commitment to reach a meaningful relationship, or is it your fear of separating from a person you love?

If we were to sit and talk, I suppose you would tell me that it is true, the emotions are the ones currently shaping your life, but it is not that you have a choice, because you have no control over them.

The point that is important to clarify in this context is that this is a choice and not a situation imposed on you from above. Every choice has a price and has consequences. The decision not to continue the relationship is accompanied by the pain of separation. The decision to continue the relationship comes at the price of giving up the type of relationship you aspire to. You are currently choosing the second price and that is perfectly fine, just note that this is also a choice.

An illusion that is easy to be attracted to

Sometimes, strong emotions that take over us make us think that we have no choice and we have no control over the situation. But this is an illusion that is very easy to fall into. Convenient - because it supposedly frees you from the need to act actively, frees you from taking responsibility for the situation.

The first step in taking matters into your own hands will be to understand that you are responsible for everything you have and everything you don't have in your life. When you understand the meaning of responsibility at the deepest level, and the fact that you are responsible for the relationship you are currently in, you will also understand that you can choose differently.

Go on a journey

You have the power to make any choice in your life. You may not be present to this power right now, but it is definitely there. What you can do is start working to get her back to you. Slowly re-establish the feeling and inner knowledge that everything is possible for you, that all options are open, that your current partner is not the only option, and above all - that you deserve the best.

I have no doubt that it is not easy to take such a step. Most of the time, such a change doesn't happen instantly either. Take yourself on a small journey to rediscover your strengths. Find yourself a daughter or a companion in the form of a professional or a good friend who will support you in discovering your inherent strengths.
Successfully!